Everything's Cool as Long as I'm getting Thinner

Jess. 22. College grad. Decided to commit myself to healthier living because I was unhappy with where I was. 25 pounds down and going strong- another 20ish to go! I wish this wasn't in caps...

I’ve hit a new low, or a new high depending on how you look at it.

I am now the highest weight I’ve ever been in my life. Higher than when I finished college.

I’ve been lazy, stressed, and would much rather be spending my time socializing than getting healthy. And it has shown.

Between getting a full time job and getting a boyfriend I have just royally screw myself over and lost the desire to really care about my health.

Went to the doctor Friday and was shocked to see the number on the scale as high as it was. Of course I’ve noticed/felt the weight gain but I was trying to ignore it or something.

I’ve refused to buy new clothing which has masked what I actually weigh because I’ve just been stuffing myself into my old skinny clothes. Lmao

Not doing to give myself a lecture. Just going to say I suck and need to be better.

My mom is traveling pretty much non stop the next six weeks which means no visiting Brian in the city during the week. Which in return is a blessing- gives me time to work out right after work and means eating out less often.

I’ve just been really unhappy with my appearance lately that I don’t even bother trying. No desire to go out to bars, or shop for clothes or even look nice to work. Very unlike me on all fronts.

Breakfast. 

3 egg whites, green peppers, 3 pieces of sliced Turkey, and red pepper flakes. 

And “Dieters” Tea…. trying it out. Highly doubt I’ll see a change.

You really can’t trust a scale

I need to get in th habit of measuring myself because that’s going to be the most accurate way to monitor weight loss.

We’re doing a weight loss challenge at work and it’s the SAME EXACT scale at work that I have at home. Weigh myself this morning at home, 161.6 Get to work- 163.4 

I can consider the variables: wearing clothing/ had water on the way to work but whatever. I’m going ti mentally exhaust myself if I focus on the number on the scale.

Not to mention, if you are building muscle, you’ll be gaining weight. Plus, your muscles tend to swell after working out. So the number is hard to gauge

I just always have a hard time measuring myself. Especially my waist. Do you take the measurement with your stomach completely distended?

Picture progress is probably another really good way to validate weight loss too. It’s really easy to NOT see progress when you’re used to seeing your body daily

pilates-freak:

Source.

I HATE diet pop. Disgusting.

pilates-freak:

Source.

I HATE diet pop. Disgusting.

(via jessisgettingfit)

buffyshot:

from IsThisFitness.com

My ass size is out of fucking control.

The positive is that I used to do a ton of squats when I was active on the workout train. So lucky for me, my butt is pretty formed and round.

However, it’s still grown in size because of the weight gain. So fitting all this ass in dem jeans is a nearly IMPOSSIBLE TASK.

Wear a skirt/ dress you say? Ah yes, if course. EXCEPT my ass is so MASSIVE that all, my skirts ride up in the back. So none of which look work appropriate!

So, I’m severely out of shape.
Ahhhh remember when I could run 3+ miles non-stop? And now I can barely survive Level 1 of 30 Day Shred. Embarrassing.
yourhealthyself:

click for that extra bit of motivation

Let’s call a spade a spade, I’m lazy.

I’ve been really struggling this week. Really depressed over my weight. Very mad over letting myself go. And really, really overwhelmed trying to find a balance in life.

I’m having a hard time finding the balance of maintaining a personal life, having a social life and giving time to myself and treating my body right.

When I lost all my weight before, I was single and I was broke. So I had an ABUNDANCE of free time.

I’m just really overwhelmed. I’m not trying to blame my relationship on my laziness. Because in no way is it Brian’s fault.

Fact of the matter is, I enjoy lounging and having time ALONE. And work makes me thoroughly exhausted. So between my commute to work and home and a 9 hour work day, I am highly unmotivated once I get home.

Because on days I’m not with boyfriend or friends- I just want to go home and lay around. I get very stressed being busy EVERY NIGHT OF THE WEEK.

Really, there’s no excuse. I’m just exhausted. Because when I try to work out after work, I want to go directly from work. Because if I go home first to eat, then I feel like I’m wasting gas leaving again and I’m already home and settled so I lack the motivation to leave again! And when I go to the gym straight from work, I’m there until 8 and not getting home to eat until late. Then I’m tired and pretty much eating right away, showering and going to sleep.

See my grand excuses?

Really, I think it’s impossible to have a complete balance. At some point something is going to be put on the back burner and be sacrificed. And right now it’s my health and happiness.

I’m in love and I have great friends and am lucky to have a job. But ultimately, I’m so unhappy because of my weight right now. And this needs to take precedence. And I’m not willing to put any If my relationships (romantic or friendly) on back burner.

So, I think I just need to get used to the idea of a more rigid schedule and less time to just lay around. I need to view my alone time as being at the gym. Because that is ME TIME. And that’s solely for myself.

Just need a change of perspective.

I just need to make more if an effort.

I pretty much hate everything about my appearance lately. 

I feel hideous everyday. I lack a desire to try to look nice because most of my clothes are so god awful tight (Most were purchased when I had LOST my 25 pounds)…. I have since gained back all of that weight

I refuse to buy new clothes at a higher weight because 1. It’ll thoroughly depress me knowing my actual size. And 2. I feel like I’ll enable my fatness by succumbing and buying clothes.

I’ve been good with eating lately. With the exception of weekends, because generally I’m with Brian and we always eat out (or go out and drink). 

I can do great during the week between eating a light breakfast with healthy snacks every two hours, a salad lunch with low cal dressing and a really tame  dinner (fish and green veggies)…

And the weekend just ruins me.

I’m just really angry at myself. Onto the next post…

Anyway, posted this heinous photo because I need to be real with my body and how my weight gain looks. And one day I’ll have a comparison photo where I’ll be proud of what I look like.

Until then… hating myself.

Weekly weigh-in was today.

Despite this weekend’s food and alcohol binge, still lost a pound from last week. :)

AND, I was so close to stopping for coffee (literally in DD parking lot), but I resisted and drove away!

2 days of food prep for work

Breakfast, morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack.

:)

Strawberries, yogurt, tilapia, veggies (with a pineapple habanero sauce), avocado and Apple sauce.